Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
LMAO
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My patience has stretch marks.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present