nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though