ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.