[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*