I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce