Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
The options really are this bad
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.