The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
She: I like Cats
He:
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.