My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Whisper out to librarians!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Just why bro?!
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?