A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉