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Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Well, this is awkward
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal