THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
You Might Also Like
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
You are what you delete.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”