[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
multitasking lunch
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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