Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
You Might Also Like
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
So that’s what we looked like?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
what does he know…
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.