Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
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Yup….perfect score!
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
g
a
r
d
e
n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP