The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
U talkin 2 me?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?