subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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then why did i get this email
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
We need more people like this.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.