The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.