“what’s it like having a sister?”
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*