*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
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Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.