I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
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I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Good morning!
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.