Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
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A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I know karate and tons of other words.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…