Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home