When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Lol #dogsoftwitter
crying