Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
You Might Also Like
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
goldfish mafia
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer