me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
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Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
choose your fighter
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
This was a bad idea all around
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me