If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”