Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
my first day as a raccoon
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Quadruple digit IQ
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Bruh PLEASE