me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
We’re all getting idioter.