My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
You Might Also Like
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
japanese corn
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.