“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Spell check is for lasers.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.