“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.