*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Does this dress make me look cat?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Florida man
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.