What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
don’t be scared
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.