All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
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I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard