When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.