My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.