[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
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If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Mmmm canned fish.
got so much cardio in today
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.