My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You Might Also Like
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.