I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
You Might Also Like
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.