PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m not lazy
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[Infomercial]
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HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*