Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
You Might Also Like
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS