feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?