My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
You Might Also Like
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD