Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
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Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
at ease…shoulder.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?