I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…