There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.