Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”