Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire