I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
You Might Also Like
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
What if all the cashiers are married?