Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Hey i am sexy to you now
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I just tested negative for patience.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?